I Am More Than 3 Oz. of Water, and I Vote

As an Arctic-American, I’m used to certain amount of staring when I travel. But I think this last business trip was perhaps the worst it’s ever been.

So, you know how at security you’re only allowed 3 oz. of liquid? Right, well, I feel a little nervous while I’m getting the wand (I ALWAYS get the wand). And I perspire. A lot. I mean, c’mon. I’m 99.9% water. And this tiny little security lady gets all fired up when she sees my little puddle. “You’re gonna have to put that in a transparent bag. This looks like a lot more than 3 oz. I’m going to have to talk to our director of security.”

And I’m like, “I’m a snowman! It’s just my way!”

Then this guy behind me pipes up, “You know, miss. I’m a chemistry professor. What we’re seeing here is just the natural conversion of  water going from a solid state to a liquid state.”

Which only gets Little Miss Law-And-Order even more steamed, “What you think I don’t know that, College Man?”

Then the security director comes over. “Sir, seeing as you are technically just a liquid in solid form, and substantially more than 3 oz. at that, I’m afraid TSA regulations state won’t allow you through.”

So now I’m getting mad, right? “What do you want, man? What, you’ve never seen a round snowman before? You want to ship me in  3 oz. snowballs down in the cargo hold?”

I admit. I overreacted. Naturally, next thing you know, two giant dudes packing hair dryers drag me into some grey, drab room and start asking me about my family, my feelings about the Falkland War, do I even value the lives of non-snowmen, etc, etc. It was ugly. I probably said some things I shouldn’t have. Lost my cool a little. But putting me on the 30-day No Fly list? What’s up with that?  

It’s just tough. I remember when travel used to be so much easier. I remember once, when I was just a little snowball, we saw Burl Ives at the airport. My parents rolled me over to him to say hello, and he was so nice. It was like looking into the face of God, and when he scraped his autograph onto me? I nearly melted.

Anyway. That was a different era, I suppose.

I figured you probably should read my side of the story before you see it on the news. It’s just ridiculous. I’m an American. I pay taxes. Just because my skin happens to be crystalline water doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the same freedoms of other citizens.